| [1] Distorted: All telephonic communications instruments shall bear signage indicating security status. | Plain: Each telephone must be clearly labeled “secure” or “non-secure.” Guideline: Call things by their right names. |
| [2] Distorted: The vertical transportation system has been deactivated by a negative moisture event. | Plain: The elevator is shut down because of a leak. Guideline: Call things by their right names. |
| [3] Difficult: Charismatic megafauna may be observed at various locations. | Everyday: As you hike, you may see deer, elk, and bighorn sheep. Guideline: Use familiar words. |
| [4] Difficult: A national foreign-sourcing imbalance occurs on an annual basis. | Everyday: Each year, the United States imports more than it exports. Guideline: Use familiar words. |
| [5] All materials shall be secured prior to employee departure. | Before you leave, lock all documents in the safe. Guideline: Prefer the specific to the general. |
| [6] Be sure to execute the form before forwarding it to this office. | Be sure to sign the application before mailing it. Guideline: Prefer the specific to the general. |
| [7] Interested parties shall respond to this notice electronically and shall indicate a willingness to participate in the experiment. | Better: If you would like to participate, please fill out the attachment and email it to rjones@org.org. Guideline: Use “you” to engage the reader. |
| [8] A visitor’s pass will be issued after the register is signed and photographic identification is furnished. | Better: You will receive a visitor’s pass after you sign the register and show the guard a photo ID. Guideline: Use “you” to engage the reader. |
| [9] Any comments pertaining to the aforementioned Rule shall be submitted to and received by this office no later than September 30. | Better: If you would like to comment on the proposed rule, please do so by September 30. Send your comments to . . . Guideline: Use “you” to engage the reader. |
| [10] The U.S. Environmental Protection Agency (USEPA), Region III, Office of Water Quality Management (WQ) agrees to postpone the compliance date. | Better: We agree to postpone the compliance date. Guideline: When the reference is clear, use “we,” “our,” and “us” to stand for your organization or your particular office. |
| [11] The Consumer Product Safety Commission is appreciative of the time taken by individuals to provide information about possibly dangerous products. | Better: We appreciate your taking the time to write to us about the stroller. Guideline: When the reference is clear, use “we,” “our,” and “us” to stand for your organization or your particular office. |
| [12] Regrettably, the resources of the National Archives-Southeast Region do not include sources that will be of assistance in the location of an individual. | Better: Regrettably, our resources do not include information that will help you to locate an individual. Guideline: When the reference is clear, use “we,” “our,” and “us” to stand for your organization or your particular office. |
| [13] Prior to the election of the species of grant appropriate to said research . . . | Before choosing the kind of grant that best applies to your research . . . Guideline: Try to avoid using “latinate” words. |
| [14] It is the determination of this office that justification is lacking for the suspension of payment. | We find no reason to withhold payment. Guideline: Try to avoid using “latinate” words. |
| [15] The benefit shall be enforced nunc pro tunc. | The benefit will be made retroactive. Guideline: Avoid legalisms and foreign words. |
| [16] Any distinction is de minimis. | Any distinction is negligible. Guideline: Avoid legalisms and foreign words. |
| [17] Protecting the security of the nation is our sine qua non. | The reason the Agency exists is to protect national security. Guideline: Avoid legalisms and foreign words. |
| [18] Maps indicating rights-of-way are attached hereunto. | Maps indicating rights-of-way are attached. Guideline: Use “living” words; When the deadwood can be cut, cut it. |
| [19] The matter is discussed hereinunder on page 9. | The matter is discussed on page 9. Guideline: Use “living” words; When the deadwood can be cut, cut it. |
| [20] Always ask for a prospectus, and carefully read the information therein. | Always ask for a prospectus, and carefully read the information. Guideline: Use “living” words; When the deadwood can be cut, cut it. |
| [21] Materials shall be used only in the research room. | Materials may be used only in the research room. Guideline: For permission, use “may” instead of "shall". |
| [22] You and your financial institution shall agree on how invoice information will be provided to you. | You and your financial institution should agree on how invoice information will be provided to you. Guideline: When recommending a course of action, use “should” instead of "shall". |
| [23] Our facility shall reopen on September 1. | Our facility will reopen on September 1. Guideline: When indicating the future, use “will” instead of "shall". |
| [24] The contracting officer shall be responsible for ensuring that the terms comply with the Federal Acquisition Regulations. | The contracting officer is responsible for ensuring that the terms comply with the Federal Acquisition Regulations. Guideline: When something is fact, use “is” instead of "shall". |
| [25] Written notification shall be made to this office in the event that ownership of the invention has been transferred. | You must notify us, in writing, if ownership of the invention changes. Guideline: To state legal obligation, use “must” instead of “shall”. |
| [26] All subcontractors shall be of bonded and insured status. | You must ensure that any subcontractors you use are bonded and insured. Guideline: To state legal obligation, use “must” instead of “shall”. |
| [27] All employees shall receive compensation not less than the Federally established minimum wage. | You must pay all employees at least the minimum wage established by Federal guidelines. Guideline: To state legal obligation, use “must” instead of “shall”. |
| [28] Forms shall be forwarded to the Office of the Inspector General. | You must send the form to the Office of the Inspector General. Guideline: To state legal obligation, use “must” instead of “shall”. |
| [29] Awkward: Reference the leaflet for pertinent information on registration. | Better: To learn how to register, please refer to the leaflet. Guideline: Avoid yanking words out of ordinary grammatical use; Use the right form of the verb. |
| [30] Misleading: To alleviate this concern, the project should be sited. | Better: To alleviate this concern, we should visit the site. Guideline: Avoid yanking words out of ordinary grammatical use; Use the right form of the verb. |
| [31] Bizarre: Action staff will be informationed on a daily basis at 0600. | Better: You will be briefed daily at 0600. Guideline: Avoid yanking words out of ordinary grammatical use; Use the right form of the verb. |
| [32] Misleading: The issue of contaminated material ceased in 2001. | Clear: The outflow of contaminated water stopped in 2001. Guideline: Use words in their everyday sense. |
| [33] Backwards: All excavations shall be permitted. | Clear: You must have a permit for any excavation. Guideline: Use words in their everyday sense. |
| [34] Preposterous: The site shall be restored prior to vacation. | Plain: You must restore the site before leaving it. Guideline: Use words in their everyday sense. |
| [35] The policy should positively impact economic conditions. | Better: The policy should stimulate the economy. Guideline: Avoid “impact” and minimize the use of “affect” (as verbs). |
| [36] Homeowners impacted by the construction shall receive compensation. | Better: If you must relocate, we will compensate you. Guideline: Avoid “impact” and minimize the use of “affect” (as verbs). |
| [37] The policy will affect the amount of paperwork required. | Better: The policy will reduce paperwork. - or - The policy will increase paperwork. Guideline: Avoid “impact” and minimize the use of “affect” (as verbs) |
| [38] Our response to the disaster was negatively event-driven. | Straightforward: We responded too slowly to the disaster. Guideline: Avoid euphemisms. |
| [39] The base will undergo mandatory realignment in 2004. | Straightforward: The base will be closed in 2004. Guideline: Avoid euphemisms. |
| [40] A complete review of this issue is presented in Appendix A. | Idiomatic: Appendix A thoroughly reviews this issue. Guideline: Use the idiom. |
| [41] A description of the indigenous fauna is contained in the pamphlet. | Idiomatic: The pamphlet describes the local wildlife. Guideline: Use the idiom. |
| [42] Subsequent to the curing of the substrate, application of the first dielectric layer is performed. | After the substrate has cured, the first dielectric layer is applied. Guideline 4.20 Distinguish “jargon” from “matrix”. |
| [43] You did not write your mailing address legibly. | Better: We’re unable to determine your mailing address. Guideline: Avoid using “you” in a negative context. |
| [44] You failed to mention when the Prime Minister will be arriving. | Better: We need to know when the Prime Minister will arrive. Guideline: Avoid using “you” in a negative context. |
| [45] You do not qualify for the position. | Unfortunately, the position requires more experience. Guideline: When delivering bad news, use “We regret” or “Unfortunately”. |
| [46] Your request for benefits increase is rejected. | Unfortunately, your benefits will not be increased. Guideline: When delivering bad news, use “We regret” or “Unfortunately”. |
| [47] Passive (and ambiguous): Security shall be provided at the site. | Active (and clear): You must provide security at the site. - or - We will provide security at the site. Guideline: Clarity can improve when we use the active voice. |
| [48] Passive: It is hoped by both parties that further delays can be avoided. | Active: Both parties hope to avoid further delays. Guideline: Economy can improve when we use the active voice. |
| [49] Passive: The privacy of the applicant will be respected in the review process. | Active: We will respect your privacy when we review your FOIA request. Guideline: Tone can improve when we use the active voice. |
| [50] Active (weak emphasis): We prohibit smoking in the library. | Passive (appropriate emphasis): Smoking is prohibited in the library. Guideline: The active voice is not always right, though, in terms of emphasis. |
| [51] Active (weak): You must have a notary public notarize the form. | Passive (appropriate): The form must be notarized. Guideline: The active voice is not always right, though, in terms of emphasis. |
| [52] Active (weak): Abraham Lincoln’s mother bore him in a log cabin. | Passive (appropriate): Abraham Lincoln was born in a log cabin. Guideline: The active voice is not always right, though, in terms of emphasis. |
| [53] Unclear: All vehicles shall be inspected prior to delivery. | Clear: We will inspect all vehicles before we accept delivery. -or - Before we will accept delivery of any vehicle, you must have it inspected by a company on the enclosed list. Guideline: Use the active voice and pronouns to clarify responsibility. |
| [54] Ambiguous: All cattle shall be inspected prior to interstate movement. | Clear: You must have all cattle inspected by an accredited veterinarian before transporting them across a state border. - or - You may not transport cattle across a state border until we have inspected them. Guideline: Use the active voice and pronouns to clarify responsibility. |
| [55] This directive establishes an internal directives system for the National Archives and Records Administration (NARA) and provides policy and procedures for preparing and issuing internal directives as defined in this directive. | Here is our policy on preparing and issuing internal directives. Guideline: Keep your sentences relatively short. |
| [56] Inflated: On two different occasions, the project manager made the attempt to provide documentation of the problem, but neither of the two attempts was regarded as satisfactory by Headquarters. | Concise: Twice, the project manager tried to document the problem, but neither attempt satisfied Headquarters. Guideline: Shorten your sentences by picking precise words. |
| [57] The applicant shall be notified by registered mail in all cases where the permit applied for is not granted and shall be given thirty (30) days within which to appeal such decision. | We will notify you by registered mail if we reject your application for a permit. If you wish to appeal, you must file an appeal within 30 days. Guideline: Break your sentences apart to emphasize ideas. |
| [58] Serious allegations have been raised regarding sexual harassment by Ms. Jones. | Ms. Jones has raised serious allegations about sexual harassment. Guideline: Pick words with care and put the words in the right order. The original sentence sounds as though Ms. Jones is the harasser. The revised sentence is what the writer meant. |
| [59] The leopard tortoise is prohibited from entering the country. | Better: The leopard tortoise may not be imported. - or - Better: Importing the leopard tortoise is prohibited. Guideline: Pick words with care and put the words in the right order. The original sentence sounds as though it is to be read by tortoises. Phrasing the idea differently removes the unintended humor. |
| [60] Ambiguous: The information was not included for relevance reasons. | Clear: The information was excluded because it is irrelevant. - or - The information was included for [some other] reason. Guideline: Minimize the use of “not”. |
| [61] Ambiguous: All of the votes are not valid. | Clear: All of the votes are invalid. - or – Some of the votes are invalid. Guideline: Minimize the use of “not”. |
| [62] If you own more than 50 acres and cultivate grapes, complete form 9-123. | Better: Complete form 9-123 if you own more than 50 acres and cultivate grapes. Guideline: Put lengthy conditions after the main idea. |
| [63] When any of these safety procedures cannot be followed, contact your manager. | Better: Contact your manager when any of these safety procedures cannot be followed. Guideline: Put lengthy conditions after the main idea. |
| [64] Surprising: Your cars will be screened when you arrive. | Better: Your car will be screened when you arrive. Guideline: Address the individual, not the group; “You” can be singular or plural, but when you write, always imagine the individual. |
| [65] Misleading: After you have passed the physical exams, you will be scheduled to take polygraph tests. | Clear: After you’ve passed the physical exam, you will be scheduled to take a polygraph test. Guideline: Address the individual, not the group; “You” can be singular or plural, but when you write, always imagine the individual. |
| [66] Confusing: Applications for loans must be accompanied by statements from banks attesting that . . . | Clear: An application for a loan must be accompanied by a letter from your bank. The letter must state . . . Guideline: Write of the singular, not of the plural. |
| [67] Confusing: Proposals to buy Indian forest products must include deposits. | Clear: You must include a deposit with each proposal to buy Indian forest products. Guideline: Write of the singular, not of the plural. |
| [68] Ambiguous: We must modernize our obsolete nuclear weapons tracking system. | Clear: We must modernize our system for tracking obsolete nuclear weapons. - or – We must modernize our obsolete system of tracking nuclear weapons. Guideline: Use as many words as you need; add “to” or “of” to clarify your intent. There’s a big difference between being concise (where the sentence is free of clutter) and being brief. |
| [69] The submission is in compliance with the requirement. | Better: The submission complies with the requirement. Guideline: State what the subject does, not what it is. |
| [70] We are of the opinion that additional storage space will be necessary. | Better: We believe that more storage space will be necessary. Guideline: State what the subject does, not what it is. |
| [71] We took a tour of the site and did a study of the reforestation process. | We toured the site and studied the reforestation process. Guideline: Write with the verb, not with the noun. |
| [72] We conducted a survey of employees at the regional offices. | Better: We surveyed employees at the regional offices. Guideline: Write with the verb, not with the noun. |
| [73] The researcher made a visit to the library on only one occasion. | Better: The researcher visited the library only once. Guideline: Write with the verb, not with the noun. |
| [74] They came to the conclusion that … | They concluded … Guideline: Avoid nouns ending in -ion, -ment, -ance, and –ive. |
| [75] They performed an assessment of … | They assessed … Guideline: Avoid nouns ending in -ion, -ment, -ance, and –ive. |
| [76] She provided assistance in … | She assisted … Guideline: Avoid nouns ending in -ion, -ment, -ance, and –ive. |
| [77] The research is suggestive of … | The research suggests … Guideline: Avoid nouns ending in -ion, -ment, -ance, and –ive. |
| [78] We made the decision to … | We decided … Guideline: Avoid nouns ending in -ion, -ment, -ance, and –ive. |
| [79] This gives the indication that … | This indicates … Guideline: Avoid nouns ending in -ion, -ment, -ance, and –ive. |
| [80] He performed another test of … | He retested … Guideline: Minimize the use of make, do, give, have, provide, perform, and conduct. |
| [81] She conducted a review of … | She reviewed … Guideline: Minimize the use of make, do, give, have, provide, perform, and conduct. |
| [82] It is the applicant’s prerogative to refuse the drug test. | You have the right to refuse the drug test. Guideline: Avoid the false subjects “It is” and “There are”. |
| [83] It’s the committee’s position that flextime will increase productivity. | The committee believes … Guideline: Avoid the false subjects “It is” and “There are”. |
| [84] There’s no doubt that simplicity benefits everyone. | Clearly, simplicity benefits everyone. Guideline: Avoid the false subjects “It is” and “There are”. |
| [85] It is argued in the report that it is essential to simplify the tax code. | Better: The report argues that simplifying the tax code is essential. Guideline: Avoid the false subjects “It is” and “There are”. |
| [86] There was no consideration given to the suggestion by the committee. | Better: The committee failed to consider the suggestion. Guideline: Avoid the false subjects “It is” and “There are”. |
| [87] It is her opinion that there are several issues that need to be resolved. | Better: She believes that several issues need to be resolved. Guideline: Avoid the false subjects “It is” and “There are”. |
| [88] The launch was postponed because of high wind conditions. | The launch was postponed because of high winds. Guideline: Avoid “intruders” or words that are “tacked on” and contribute nothing to meaning. Worse, they are the vampire of emphasis, sucking the vitality out of a noun and transforming it into a lifeless adjective. Common intruders are program, event, effort, conditions, and activity. |
| [89] Our relocation activity will begin in 2003. | Our relocation will begin in 2003. Guideline: Avoid “intruders” or words that are “tacked on” and contribute nothing to meaning. Worse, they are the vampire of emphasis, sucking the vitality out of a noun and transforming it into a lifeless adjective. Common intruders are program, event, effort, conditions, and activity. |
| [90] We should increase funding for our recruiting program. | We should increase funding for our recruiting. Guideline: Avoid “intruders” or words that are “tacked on” and contribute nothing to meaning. Worse, they are the vampire of emphasis, sucking the vitality out of a noun and transforming it into a lifeless adjective. Common intruders are program, event, effort, conditions, and activity. |
| [91] Records are endangered by fluctuating temperature conditions. | Records are endangered by fluctuating temperature. Guideline: Avoid “intruders” or words that are “tacked on” and contribute nothing to meaning. Worse, they are the vampire of emphasis, sucking the vitality out of a noun and transforming it into a lifeless adjective. Common intruders are program, event, effort, conditions, and activity. |
| [92] The new policy simplifies reporting activities. | The new policy simplifies reporting. Guideline: Avoid “intruders” or words that are “tacked on” and contribute nothing to meaning. Worse, they are the vampire of emphasis, sucking the vitality out of a noun and transforming it into a lifeless adjective. Common intruders are program, event, effort, conditions, and activity. |
| [93] The declassification effort is proceeding on schedule. | The declassification is proceeding on schedule. Guideline: Avoid “intruders” or words that are “tacked on” and contribute nothing to meaning. Worse, they are the vampire of emphasis, sucking the vitality out of a noun and transforming it into a lifeless adjective. Common intruders are program, event, effort, conditions, and activity. |
Source: A Handbook for Writers in the U.S. Federal Government, by Richard Lauchman; 1324 Wild Oak, Rockville, MD 20852; 301-315-6040; www.lauchmangroup.com
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Exercises created by Atty. Gerry T. Galacio; all rights reserved. You can freely use these exercises, but you must not upload them to any website or the cloud. For comments, questions, corrections, or suggestions, email gtgalacio@yahoo.com
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